Today, it's a monumental task to even walk to class.
My relieved return to normal training was an all-too-brief reverie. Reality soon shattered it--after a few runs, I could barely walk without excruciating foot pain.
Monday's MRI identified the culprit--a stress reaction of my 5th metatarsal. In an MRI, normal bones should show up black, but this one lit up white. Had I run any longer, the base of my toe might've fractured. The picture also revealed a very strained achilles tendon, which had likely been compensating for the weakness in my bone.
I'm now confined to a walking boot and crutches, but that's the least of my worries. The physical pain pales in comparison to the emotional battle. After my last injury, I vowed to do everything right: I gently eased back into running, cross trained half my workouts, and continued to do strengthening exercises. I felt bad enough that I had fallen short of my goal once already. I felt like I was falling behind--I couldn't help but feel wistful as I scrolled through updates of old teammates competing in college cross country races, or completing full marathons in impressive times. I wanted to be them for those moments. I was angry at my body for failing me. I was angry at myself.
Similar emotions have definitely resurfaced. I feel incapable, frail, and embarrassed that I've fallen short again. What if I actually can't physically handle a marathon? What else can I do to prevent injuries if I'm training carefully, eating well, and sleeping enough? Why do I keep hurting myself?
But what's happened has happened, and I can't change it. I can only adapt. There's a tough road ahead, especially if I want to tackle another race in five months. But first, I have to take care of my body.
While the result of my second attempt is deeply disappointing, it wasn't futile. The workouts have led me to discover trails I had always dreamed of exploring. Rehab has allowed me to meet the incredibly kind and patient sports med team at Amherst and connect with other injured athletes. Training has pushed me to run the farthest and feel the fittest I have in my life.
It might look like a sad ending, but this story is far from over.
Sweater, thrifted J. Crew | Collared top, Mom's | Necklace, LucyMint | Pants, Old Navy | Shoes, Keds
Just a quick oufit post if reading about college decisions doesn't happen to be your cup of tea.
I actually almost spoke on choosing a college at a recent Amherst speech tournament, especially since the topic was completely open. I then realized how blatantly irrelevant and ironic it would be with an audience of college students and professors. Instead, I opted to do an extemporaneous (impromptu) speech, and while it wasn't great, I'm glad I took the plunge.
Earlier this week, I also voluntarily subjected myself to a 3-hour math prize exam. Like the speech competition, I thought that even though it was a little scary, it'd be fun. It wasn't fun, but it definitely made me think a lot harder.
I've been stretching myself a little thin with all these extra endeavors--while it's important to me to tackle intimidating tasks, it's also important to be realistic. School is intimidating enough sometimes. Luckily, the final stretch has begun--time to dig in and stride forward.
Also, you may have noticed some layout changes over the past week--I was so lucky to stumble upon Eve's shop, MangoBlogs, on Etsy. She sells some of the cleanest, most affordable designs I've seen--I picked up this design for only $9! While you can't customize the themes in the template editor, Eve was extremely willing to help me with coding changes. I highly recommend her if you're on the market for a new layout. Her sale ends tomorrow, so definitely take a gander soon!
It was the day before May 1st of my senior year, and I'd just discovered that the college I had finally chosen didn't offer online commitment.
My mom rushed to call the admissions office, I rushed to call my current student contact, and my dad carefully studied the paper deposit form.
Luckily, the office allowed me to postmark my deposit on universal decision day.
Moral of the story: don't wait until the last minute to formalize big choices. Or, at the very least, don't wait until the day before May 1st to find out your college doesn't have online commitment.
As someone who's usually organized and punctual, I was embarrassed to submit on the last day. I had finally reached a decision a few days earlier, but I'd held off on depositing, just in case anything changed.
Choosing a college was beyond agonizing for me: my mind told me to go to Amherst, but I felt some inexplicable draw to Vanderbilt. So if you're a senior still stuck in limbo, here are my tips to reach a confident decision more quickly:
1. Seek advice everywhere
At some point in the process, I actually began polling people, from my friends to teachers to coaches. I wanted to hear different takes on my situation, particularly from people who had already experienced college. One of the most helpful conversations I had was with a teacher who'd gone to Northwestern, a school very similar to Vanderbilt, but wished she'd chosen a smaller school. She told me that it'd been difficult to take piano lessons since music students took priority, and that she hadn't had many opportunities to get to know her professors. On the flip side, I spoke to a librarian, who had attended a small school and loved it--sometimes, professors would even invite their students over for dinner.
I also took to College Confidential. My mom stumbled upon a post in her research where a student had been in my exact same situation: torn between Amherst and Vandy. I messaged the poster, asking what he/she had settled on and if she/he could offer me any insight. I received prompt and thorough replies and began to feel more at ease with my concerns of weather, location, and personality of the student body.
To keep things fair, I also remained in contact with my Vanderbilt friend. She was able to give me a more realistic picture of several aspects, from merit scholarship availability to typical makeup of the orchestra. Website and overviews are definitely more airbrushed, so I recommend speaking with real students. I also emailed my Vanderbilt admissions officer, who I'd met at their diversity weekend, to explain my situation and seek more information. She never replied, which was not the most welcoming gesture.
You may get conflicting opinions. That's okay--you'll find yourself agreeing more with some people than others, and that indicates that you already have an idea of what you want.
2. Make a pros/cons list
Here, I broke out the gag gift I had stumbled upon in the clearance shelves of Target a few months prior. Engineered for the indecisive, it was a notepad specifically for making pros/cons lists: the left column was for pros, the right for cons, and the top for degree of urgency and issue.
I made one for each school, and one each one I listed the food situation (buffet-style or limited? number of options?), whether they accepted AP credit and how much, curriculum requirements, location, weather, activities, class size, special majors, etc in their respective columns.
From this, it was clear that while Amherst had more cons, it also had many more pros. It also made me consider how much each factor meant to me, since some are more negotiable than others.
3. Follow your heart and mind
It's important for a school to feel right, but it's also important to be realistic. Please consider finances and quality of academics while weighing your options. I wanted to go to Vanderbilt, but I also knew that it wouldn't be the best choice: I'd be paying more to go to a school where I might have less attention in the classroom. I also wanted to go to grad school in some form, and knew I'd better save as much as possible on undergrad without sacrificing academic quality.
It gets more dicey when prestige is another factor. Again, my advice is to do what feels most right and makes most sense. I have a friend who turned down Harvard to go to MIT--she wanted to study math, and had really disliked the attitude of some of her prospective classmates at Harvard. Contrary to popular belief, she wasn't giving anything up: she was simply selecting the best fit.
4. If your schools are rigorous, worry less about location
I was convinced that I'd be living with cows in the middle of nowhere if I went to Amherst. I was really wrong--yes, the city is more rural than my hometown, but there's still plenty to do and places to go to replenish my snack stock (hello Whole Foods and Trader Joe's).
Also, I've found that I really don't have much time to leave campus. With a full schedule of classes, orchestra, violin lessons, music tutoring, and running, I'm lucky if I go grocery shopping twice a month and eat out in a local restaurant once a week. When I visited Boston and met up with MIT friends over fall break, one girl noted that I knew the city better than she did--I had only been there once before, and she'd been living there for almost two months!
So, if location is a concern, don't let it keep you from enrolling at the school you're leaning towards.
5. Worry less in general
If you've done your search right and your colleges have selected well, all your options should be good fits. I don't regret going to Amherst. Yes, there are days I wonder what could've happened had I gone to Vandy--I might've chosen to major in strictly the humanities, I might've joined a sorority, I might've given up violin, I might've run into Taylor Swift on the streets of Nashville and become best friends with her--all these ponderings are simply part of life. We'll never know and will always wonder what would've happened had we chosen the other path at that fork in the road (Robert Frost, anyone?). I know it seems like a huge, life-changing decision--it is--but remember you're not bound to whatever path you choose. There's always the option of transferring, which people do pursue.
In the end, a college can't determine your future--only you can.
If you have and tips or experiences of your own that you'd like to share, feel free to drop a note. If you happen to be a high school senior still deciding and would like some insight, please don't hesitate to send me an email at email@example.com (especially if one of your options is Amherst!).
Contrary to appearance, all of these irregular occurences are related: all of them involve my ongoing efforts to tackle a marathon. The x-rays were to check for stress fractures in my foot, the ultrasound treaments were to encourage healing in my foot, and the campus police car ride was to promptly obtain the x-rays at a nearby university's medical center.
After a few weeks of rehab, the tenderness in my foot had yet so subside, so the athletic trainers suggested x-rays. Luckily, they photos came back fine--there was no sign of a fracture. The doctor requested an MRI, but told me I could run as much as my foot could tolerate in the meantime.
So, today I ran 20 miles. The long run wasn't the smartest idea--it was actually quite reckless, given my foot pain and low mileage the past few weeks. But I promised myself that if my body adamantly said no, I would stop. My toes tingled in the first quarter of the run, but then odd sensations became less noticeable. So I kept going.
There were several times I wanted to surrender to thirst and heavy legs, but I was so grateful that my body was working that I pushed on. For three hours and nineteen minutes, I ran.
I have yet to understand what my foot is doing--it's still tender upon compression and often tingles with impact--but despite this obstacle, I'm back on training schedule.
Regardless of what happens, I'm ecstatic that just working towards this goal has led me to run the farthest I ever have today.
With my scrumptious Chinese food today, I received this fortune. I find it both relevant to my life now and this oufit:
You can't change the wind but you can adjust the sails.
I can't change God's plan, so I will embrace it and adapt accordingly.