Red

Dress, Target ($7)// Necklace, c/o eFoxcity// Belt, Forever 21 ($3)

Hello my lovelies! Well, this is scheduled to go live when I'm off leadershipping at a three-day conference on a local college campus. I've never scheduled a post to be published, so I thought now was just the time. I will be sure to catch up on comment-replying as soon as I return!

I gained a new skilled photographer last week: my very best friend Gabrielle! She and I went on a photo-taking adventure at a cute little park to cheer her up since she had just broken up with her boyfriend of one year. Something about photoshoots always makes people feel better, and we had a lovely time striking poses and angling tediously to get the perfect shot. I think these are senior-picture worthy, so I thought I'd share my favorites.

Enjoy the photos while I detail what I was so vague about in my last post.



Let me first set the scene: it is 5:56 pm right now, Wednesday, July 17th. I told you yesterday that there was something I'd been meaning to do, but I'd been avoiding it since I was afraid of falling. Absolutely terrified of messing things up. Well I just did it.

I told my best guy friend that I had feelings for him.

Relationships can be messy things, and I've always been able to avoid them. I jokingly refer to myself as a "man repeller," something I do consciously, or inadvertently. Things like that have just really never worked out for me--I like a guy, he's just interested in being friends. Or a guy is really into me, and I just think he's annoying or creepy.

Sigh.



I had been agonizing over whether I should tell him how I feel because he's also one of the closest friends I've ever had. And that would lead us into murky waters--did I really want to risk losing a friendship that means so much to me?

But I believe that the strongest of friendships can survive a little battering.

I knew that if I kept quiet, I would regret it much more than if I bared my soul and made things uncomfortable. I looked to my favorite artists for inspiration. In a Glamour interview, Sara Bareilles said that vulnerability is one of the most precious gifts you can give. And in Taylor Swift's Speak Now prologue, she said, "I think the words you stop yourself from saying are the ones that will haunt you the longest."




I practiced countless times what I exactly I would say, though I knew in the back of my mind that it probably wouldn't come out that way. If people had observed me, I would've seemed like a crazy lady, speaking intently to myself.

"There's something I've been meaning to bring up for awhile, but...I've been avoiding it because it could make things rather...uncomfortable...but I have a feeling I'll regret--no--I have a feeling that if I don't say this, I'll regret it way more than if I do say this and make things...uncomfortable...so YOLO, I guess. It's become my life's anthem."

I had this minutes-long spiel all planned out in my head. I was like an actor, meticulously practicing a monologue for the role of a lifetime.



It didn't come out the way I had planned, but I've come to learn that it's part of life. My eloquent script became painfully pause-filled as I struggled to remember the words I had been aching to say.

"I should probably bring up something I've been avoiding for awhile..."

I stopped abruptly, forgetting the words I had so carefully rehearsed; they sounded so foreign, so unreal, so disgenuous. But I had to forge ahead. It was a gauntlet of dismembered sentences turned into awkward phrases as I plunged, terrified, into the murky waters I had avoided for so long.



I eventually spit it all out. I hope he got the idea--there were so many more things I wish I could've said. How I had always felt there was something between us...but perhaps I'm delusional. How I know that I send mixed signals--because the cynic in me never fails to relentlessly battle the hopeless romantic and hopeless idealist. How I know dating would be impractical even if he did feel the same--he's headed off to college in a month and I have a long road of college apps ahead that requires total focus. There was so much, much more.

When I arrived at a long pause, he stood up abruptly from the quaint park bench overlooking the pretty blue lake. He patted my head sympathetically.

"Let's go," he said.

I hopped up curiously and followed him towards the dusty gravel path encircling the clear water.

"I hate to do this, but I'll tell you in a few days," he said cryptically.

I sighed. Perhaps it is better to be heartless sometimes.


It's as if a huge weight were lifted off my chest now that I've professed my inner emotions. But I can't help but agonize over his response. We chatted cheerfully as we strolled back in the scorching afternoon heat to his car.

It was as if nothing ever happened.

I cringe as I replay the scenes in my head. Did I sound desperate? Did I seem clingy? Did he even understand my convoluted ramble?

Now, it is all out of my hands. What's done is done. The prospects don't look favorable for me, but I don't regret spilling my soul. And as much as I wish I could have expressed my feelings more articulately, I feel a strange sense of accomplishment for conquering my fears. For overcoming the consuming angst. For being completely honest, even though it left me in a vulnerable position. For being brave.


We must not wallow in the past but live in the present--and look upon the future with with gratitude and hope. No matter what happens, I am strong; my fading scars are testaments of previous battles--fought perhaps not with grace but with tenacity and spirit. If heartache is on the approaching horizon, so be it. I've long since learned that time will eventually heal those wounds.

And perhaps once the dust settles, a beautiful friendship, stronger and healthier, will emerge.

34 comments

  1. Ack I know the feeling.....have feelings for a guy who is suppose to be "just friends". It is a rather complex and "sticky" situation isn't it? First you struggled about the idea weather to tell him or not (hey it may ruin your friendship). Then once you decided to tell him, you are so scared of his response....well. There is only ONE WAY to find out, which you did, you told him. Hey, you may feel like you "lost" something instead of "gain" but in the long run you will have no regrets of doing so. So live life beautifully and keep smiling. You will run into more of these along the way :)

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  2. Seriously, why don't we live closer? I feel like running over with some ice cream and we could have a complete girl's night talking about our man repeller problems. I get in the exact same situations!!! Guys I like aren't interested in me, and the guys that pursue me are of the creepy/clingy type that I don't like...sigh.
    But Lily, I cannot tell you how much I admire your bravery. That was a fearless thing to do, and I'm glad you got it off your chest. Its true, the words you don't say are the ones that haunt you the most. There are so many times I wish I could go back in time and just spit out what I kept inside. It's better to have it out in the open.
    I'll admit, I'm feeling nervous about his reply too! Let us know how it goes :)
    Anyway, these photos are absolutely stunning girl! Love love love the lighting and focus. Plus, what a pretty dress <3

    The Dragonfruit Diaries

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  3. what a perfect smile !
    u look great :)

    http://flexyfashion.blogspot.com/

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  4. Aw, this post started out so lighthearted but quickly turned into something more serious... I was laughing along when you were joking about how you call yourself a man-repeller, because I totally consider myself the same thing, avoiding relationships like the plague and even making myself seem unnattractive and awkward if needed... ha. That and I'm always into older dudes and not the ones my age, like whatever is wrong with me. HAHA but I agree with Linda's comment in how I wish I lived closer to you... you are such a brave, strong, lovely little lady!

    But oh, I think that what you did was for the best. I think that somehow you would have had to tell him eventually, and that it was the best. What you don't say hurts you the most, and so what you did was for the best. We can only hope that things will turn out well, and if he's a nice guy, then well, things should. :) Internet love for you, Lily! (hugs hugs hugs)

    As for your outfit, you look like a lovely version of Pocahontas... I love that necklace!

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  5. Lovely photos, that dress is so nice. I hope your friend feels better.


    And even if nothing happens with your guy friend, at least you still have your friendship together, and you've told him how you feel :)


    Away From Blue

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  6. Lovely look :)

    Kisses xx
    www.magdalenacibis.blogspot.com

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  7. Such a gorgeous dress, love your accessories.

    Ivana
    xo

    Rue de Tres Chic

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  8. You are so brave and confident and I think you did the right thing :) No matter the outcome at least you've got it off your chest! I loved reading your honest account!

    On another note, your friend is a great photographer :) And I love the dress, so pretty and summery!

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  9. Good for you for being honest and spilling your heart out to him! If he doesn't feel the same way... it's HIS loss! You are beautiful inside and out and I'm proud of you for being brave. Also, you look so so gorgeous in this red dress! He'd be crazy not to want you!

    Xo, Hannah

    sweetsweetnoir.net

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  10. i really love your necklace and dress, they are amazing!

    xx

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  11. Awww you look so pretty! I love the red dress and I hope your friend is feeling better. I have to say that I'm really proud of you! Being forthcoming with your feelings is such a hard thing to do but it feels so much better when you let them all out. When I was 17 I revealed my feelings to my best friend. While the feelings were mutual, we never really made it work past a friendship (he moved for college too). But I have to say, looking back I have absolutely no regrets. I can still remember how it felt when I told him, and honestly, the feeling of exhilaration is still there! I know you'll look back on this no matter which way it goes and you'll be proud of yourself :)

    xo

    Ashley

    Southern (California) Belle

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  12. you look very pretty :) I like the photos ;)

    + wanna follow each other?

    www.izabielaa.blogspot.com

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  13. Man repeller hee hee your 17 that could be a GOOD thing! Concentrate on your self. You have plenty of time for guys.

    Ali of

    Dressing Ken

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  14. Man repeller hee hee your 17 that could be a GOOD thing! Concentrate on your self. You have plenty of time for guys.

    Ali of

    Dressing Ken

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  15. Good for you for getting the courage to tell him how you feel! It is certainly a risk but at least you won't ever have the regret of what if. I do hope it all works out for you when he tells you how he feels about it!

    -Sharon
    The Tiny Heart
    PayPal Giveaway!

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  16. oh you look totally stunning. And your mile is just divine! If this guy haven't notices your beautiful smile then he is blind =) I hope everything goes well =)

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  17. This is too cute! I love your style!

    http://happinessisblonde.com

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  18. 1. that is SO exciting!! I know it can go both ways but still, so super exciting. and I'm happy for you because you definitely did the right thing. telling the truth is always important, especially when it comes to relationships (every relationship that doesn't include honesty ends sooner or later. that's life). so, please do share how it went because I'm (too) curious. thumbs up for you of course!!
    2. you and your friend did a great job together with the photos! and what a fabulous ensemble! bold and summery like it has to be these days ;)

    Maiken,
    Maikeni blogi - part of me

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  19. Awesomeness. What more can I say? I immediately thought of Taylor Swift seeing "Red" as a title. You look so pretty with this dress and that charming necklace! Cool stuff and another deep post!

    johnbmarine.blogspot.com

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  20. There is a quote along the lines of "Never regret something you did because at the time it was excatly what you wanted. If you never had told him you would have just agonized over what would have happened if you did. Believe me, I know from experience. At least now you have that off your chest!

    Plus, you look so gorgeous! these pictures are beautiful and I love your summery outfit! That's so funny you were at a leadership conference over the weekend, I was at one Friday! Haha!

    And I feel ya. I am such a man repeller. 99.9 percent of boys are just creepy to me and when I do like one, I have a hard time going for it. So be happy you took a chance! Life's all about taking risks :)

    Francesca

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  21. I love your blog! It's great :) You are amazing! Feel free to my blog :)) Maybe, you follow my blog ? ♥ (If you like it)
    http://maryannfashionn.blogspot.com/
    Kisses ♥♥♥

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  22. you look gorgeous ! love it darling xoxo

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  23. Very cute look.
    Xoxo
    Christy

    http://www.am2pmchic.com/

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  24. you look gorgeous! :)
    don't forget about my blog:
    www.lusciousstyle.blogspot.com
    Daria

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  25. I really hope everything works out for you, regardless of his reply. On the bright side, I got a good laugh out of your mustache picture :)

    Mili from call me, Maeby

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  26. At least you can look back and say you didn't have any regrets of not saying how you feel. That's the most important thing, don't live a life of "what ifs".

    You look beautiful in this dress, I LOVE this color on you!

    xo, Yi-chia
    Always Maylee

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  27. LOVELY PICS,YOU LOOK PRETTY :)

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  28. Oh girl! You are much braver than I ever was! I think telling him was the right thing to do! Now you won't have any regret or wondering what could have been. You're living life to the fullest! Keep us posted with his answer.
    I just LOVE the way you write, it's so captivating!
    Beautiful pics too! Your hair is gorgeous and this dress is such a fun bright color, so pretty on you! Love the new header too.
    Jessi
    http://haircutandgeneralattitude.blogspot.com

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