July 26, 2013

Delicately Fierce

"Lily, I love you..."

I glanced up curiously, already anticipating the eminent pang of the words to come.

"But just not in that way."

I forced a smile as it settled in. "It's okay. I was expecting that."

Top, Forever 21 (from best friend)// Skirt, Target ($5)// Flats, Target ($7)// Ring, c/o Modern Design

I struggled to muster what I wanted to say. Everything that had been on my mind those agonizing eight days. I wanted to hug him, knowing it hurt him to say that, but at the same time, I wanted to lecture him, just as I had joked about with my friends.

"Yeah, I told him I actually really liked him, and he was just like: 'I hate to do this...but I'll tell you in a few days.' At the time I was like, okay, whatever. But now I'm like: this is crap!"

I paused, sighing heavily. "Gah, I'm going to get friendzoned. But he is going to get like an hour-long lecture. You cannot text a girl good morning every day and not have it mean something. And if you ask a girl to a dance, you have to make it very clear that you're going as friends..."

Renditions of my impetuous rant sprung up regularly over what had supposed to have been just "a few days."

I couldn't find the words in the short few minutes he walked me home. I tried to lighten the air.

"I'll be okay, really," I assured him, "There's a difference between being fragile and delicate. I'm not fragile."

"That's good," He said slowly.

"And I may be delicate, but I am delicately fierce," I continued, borrowing the eloquent name of a fashion blog.

"Huh?" I had lost him.

"It's like..." I sighed, "I'm not sure how to say this...but basically, I'm a lot stronger than I seem on the outside."

"But hey, I was expecting your response to be so much more convoluted for having me wait over a week," I looked over expectantly.

He smiled wryly. "I tried writing a letter while I was in Chicago, but it got too confusing. And I thought you deserved to hear it in person."

"Oh?" I asked, curious, "What did it say? I want to see it."

"I tore it up and threw it away. It was too complicated."

"That's sad," I said, dejected, "Yeah, I might have to write you a letter because I'm not sure how to say what I want to tell you right now."

We stopped when we reached my driveway. "Hey, I better see you before you leave for college."

"You're seeing me right now," He smiled.

"No!" My laugh tasted slightly bitter, "You know what I mean."

I waved goodbye and headed inside.

After searching for a notebook and pen, I plopped down on the beige carpet. I started writing feverishly. I wrote everything I had ever wanted to say to him. 

How I had always been drawn to him for some inexplicable reason. How I told him so I could finally let go. How I was sorry that I made it hard on him after lamenting about friendzone stories together. How I hoped that for future girls, he would be more careful about walking the fine line. How I didn't regret anything--falling for him and spilling my soul. How I wanted him to know that I wasn't wounded--only slightly miffed. How terrified I was to tell him, but how empowering it was to do it anyway. How I knew that things would be different now, but that I prayed with all my heart that our friendship would last.

I didn't stop writing for two whole hours.

I can't help but feel a little dejected. I can't help but wonder if something like this will ever work out for me. But now that I no longer have to agonize about how he truly feels, I can throw my effort into the quickly-approaching, daunting task of college applications.

The art of brushing oneself off after a plummet is mastered through extensive experience. With each stumble, I learn where the road is uneven and how to regain my balance.

I don't regret a thing, because I am free now. From the emotionally-demanding cycle of uncertainty, from the constant, tiring, guessing game.

Tungsten Ring, c/o Modern Design, Inc.

This doesn't have to be a sad song (from "Little Black Dress" by Sara Bareilles). I can wallow in self-pity, or I can simply move on. I consciously choose the latter.

Everything happens for a reason. I don't regret growing closer to him, because if I hadn't, I wouldn't have auditioned for my city's youth orchestra. I wouldn't have rediscovered my inner nerd. I wouldn't have learned to live as if no one's judging. I wouldn't have appreciated music on the same level. I wouldn't be the person I am today. 

Some people are only placed in our lives for a few short hours. Others, a couple days. Some, a few memorable years. And even more few and far between--many exhilirating years of this crazy life. No matter how long or short, all of them leave imprints upon our hearts, our souls, our very being. 

Only time will tell what kind of friend he was meant to be. And only time will heal whatever scrapes and bruises I inadvertently gained in the process.

I don't feel sad. Simply placid. And perhaps a little empty, like the many boxes in which Modern Design packaged a ring they sent me.

It's a guy's ring, but it's slowly grown on me. Quick-arriving packages in the mail never fail to make me smile, and when the ring fit perfectly, I became fiercely protective of it. The braided design looks delicate, with the immaculate, cool-to-the-touch silver metal, but Tungsten is strong, with a melting point at 6192 degrees farenheit.

I want to be as strong as Tungsten. I may seem girly and innocent on the outside, but this ring is a reminder that I have been through blazing heats and many struggles and not only survived, but found a way to shine. It's a reminder that I am a union of contrasts. I am practical and ambitious. I am outgoing and quiet. I am trendy and hipster. I am a cynic and an idealist. 

I am delicately fierce, and I will be okay.

Join the conversation!

  1. Some people are just better being your friends. Once you start with your next chapter in life, all of these will seem so small and slowly fade away as you grow into the strong young woman you are :)

  2. so lovely! :)


  3. You ARE delicately fierce, and I can tell that you are one strong girl. Seriously, how you handled rejection tells a lot about you. Your optimistic outlook on life and how you view it as a life lesson...yup, you're going to be alright. It stings, I know. I remember back in high school when I developed feelings for a guy in my class. We flirted for a bit and I started thinking about him so often. Then I found out how he'd started flirting with others. The next year, we started off on a better foot, and now he's one of my best guy friends. You never know what a person's purpose in your life might be, but if you can turn it into a postitive experience, you're the one who's winning ;)
    Anyway, that ring is so perfect for your delicately fierce attitude. That's a man's ring? Pff, I'd so wear it too. Haha

    The Dragonfruit Diaries

  4. Oh, Lily... Delicately fierce, I love that. I love that so much. You ARE delicately fierce, just as Linda said above me. You are amazing and you are beautiful, inside and out, and you are so so strong. I look up to you so much--and your wisdom surpasses your age in a variety of ways.

    He is an amazing friend, and has made it known that he wants to stay that, and that takes strength from him, too. You were both very strong about this situation. I'm glad you got it all out and wrote for two hours. Two hours, dang, girl. I hope that helped to get those feelings out. I hope you feel wringed out and ready to start anew, in a sense. :)

    "a union of contrasts"--I could never relate to something better in my life. I am just the same. Social and outgoing... I am awful at being social in real life, yet I'm a social butterfly on the internet. Oh, Lily! You always speak such true things. <3

    Stay strong, you delicate warrior, you!

  5. Delicately fierce is a perfect description of you! Seriously. Such a strong person in such a cute little package ;) You are such a strong and level-headed person, I know you'll be ok. I admire that about you because I can be fragile at times and not handle things the way you can. And don't worry you WILL find someone who feels the same. And then this will be such a small insignificant part of your past. I'm proud of you for letting yourself be vulnerable and getting all those feelings out in the open!
    And if you ever need someone to talk to you have so many great blogger friends by your side :) I'm one of them!

  6. I love your new ring. You write so well!

  7. I highly enjoyed Storytime with Lily. Things have a funny way of working out, if not with this guy, with another. The best part is that you'll always have great stories that come out of it.
    My current boyfriend friendzoned me so hard at first, he got me to edit his texts before he sent them to objects of his affection.


  8. it's a truly wonderful thing that you're learning from every experience. I also think it's the only right way if you want to get better and better and better at everything in life.
    at least now you know the truth and it's off your shoulders. you can go on with new thoughts and emotions, discover new things and new people. and who knows, your "prince" may be here already soon. and your friend will stay with you, that's the best thing, I think.
    when it comes to your outfit it's very "you" in my opinion. sweet and shiny :)

    Maikeni blogi - part of me

  9. i really believe that we learn from experience
    hope you'll feel better soon
    nevertheless you look so lovely
    do join my giveaway (:
    join my relaunch GIVEAWAY. win juicy couture and make up

  10. cute top !!! love the feminin look


  11. You are very delicately fierce! You handled this so well, and now you can move on. Once he goes away to college, you won't be seeing him as often and it will be so much easier to move on. It is not fun when a boy seems to be leading you on, but you find out maybe they are just a nice guy. It's the worst actually because then you can't even blame them, haha!It sounds like he is a nice friend though, and he really values your friendship. Someday you will find a boy who loves you "in that way" and all of this will be worth it. At least, that's what people keep telling me! Good luck to us high schoolers!

    And now the outfit, sooo cute! I love that blouse, the collar is adorable! And high waisted skirts are always so pretty. Those shoes are really nice too, and I love your ring! You look beautiful~


  12. Oh no he didn't! It's clearly he has feelings for you but at the same time maybe the fact that you are leaving for collage scares him... But really don't over analyze things.. And like you said some people are in your life for a short period while others are there for an eternity.. I really don't want to sound like a smart ass cuz I would be probably feeling the same way you are feeling right now.. But I think you learn something about this? You learned something about the person you are and the person you wanna be with and how the person you want should act!

  13. So sorry that you have to go through this but like you said, everything happened for a reason. I know this will make you a stronger person, physically and emotionally wise! :D

    Google + / Twitter / Bloglovin

    with love, Cassandra xx

  14. This is a nice outfit you've put together, and your literature here is wonderful. The glittery golden loafers are nice to go with the top and this skirt. Sweet style!


  15. visiting here with a smile~ =)

    Regards, www.lonelyreload.com (A Growing Teenager Diary)

  16. Delicately fierce, I love that! I'm sorry that he doesn't feel the same way about you, but you have an amazing attitude about the whole thing! I hope you two can continue your friendship and know that one day, someone will come along that DOES return your feelings. :) PS My hubby's wedding ring is Tungsten too!

    The Tiny Heart
    Forever 21 Giveaway!

  17. Lily, you are so wise beyond your years! Seriously, you always impress me with how well you know yourself and how confident you are. I admire you for being brave enough to spill your heart out to him and pick yourself up after hearing his answer. You get more amazing every day!

    Xo, Hannah


  18. You are such a beautiful girl, inside and out!!

  19. Great look ;)


  20. Great look ;)


  21. Beautiful ring, and I really like your lace top! :)

    Shame that your friend does not feel the same, but it's good you can still be friends :)

    Away From Blue

  22. I'm not sure if I ever told you this, but you are such a great writer. It's too bad he didn't feel the same way, but like you said, everything happens for a reason. Not to sound cliche at all, but it's really true. You have such a big and bright future ahead, you never know what's in store for you. :)

    xo, Yi-chia
    Always Maylee

  23. You are so adorable! I love your cute outfit :)

    Check out my blog :)

  24. This is beautiful! First of all I want to congratulate you on the courage it took to tell him how you were feeling in the first place (a courage I know I don't have). Even if it didn't end up the way you wanted it to, the way you've been handling it is remarkable. Good luck on the college applications; I'm sure you have a bright future ahead! And don't forget to enjoy your senior year!

  25. Beautiful top!

    Would you like to follow each other on Bloglovin and GFC? Take a look into my blog and let me know! www.gwiyomistyle.net

  26. I'm so proud of you girl! And you are so much stronger for being so brave and putting your feelings on the line.

    You look so pretty and feminine and I love your ring!



    Southern (California) Belle

  27. Lily,

    This was such a beautiful post. I admire the courage you had to write and publish this post. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've felt that way. Your heart will heart, and as you eloquently said, you're "delicately fierce".

    I can't wait to see more, girl. Thanks for sharing a piece of you with all your readers.

    If you have time later, I'd like to invite you to a giveaway of mine. It'd be wonderful if you could enter. It's to win a Bitchy Gypsy statement necklace.


  28. How was cross-country? I love summer, so much to do outdoor! I wish winter never comes haha :)

  29. I love to see you smile! It makes the whole post wonderful! I love the hue of your skirt!

    love, polly

  30. you look so cute! I admire you for writing such a post like that! I am sure most girls can relate! This is an amazing post! <3

    Myra x

    Alluring Style


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