August 5, 2013

Dots and Dashes

Top, Target ($6)// Skirt, H&M ($8)// Moccasins, thrifted ($3)// Necklace, c/o eFoxCity// Belt, Forever 21// Ring, Amy O Jewelry (Chictopia Reward)

Oh, my. A week is an eternity in the blogging world, isn't it?

Well, if you thought I had disappeared (I tend to do that every so often), I am indeed alive and well. I'd like to thank all of you who took the time to follow my emotional roller coaster ride. It gives me such warm feelings to know that you read and become involved in my long-winded rambles. Thank you.

I'm doing quite all right. He dropped off a response to my letter yesterday morning while I was at church. Among other things, he apologized for sending mixed signals, saying that he has trouble trusting people and that those he does trust he forms intimate friendships with. I get it, but I just don't know what to do anymore. Where do I draw the boundary?

Perhaps I'm just confused. Perhaps he's confused. Perhaps we're all just confused.

All I know is this: things can't and won't be the same. The daily good morning texts have long since trickled off, our once constant communication fades slowly. We were each other's emotional kickstands for a good half year, and the withdrawal hovers above me like a gray cloud.

I want to tell him about my crazy week at cross country camp. I want to answer the questions he asked in his letter. I want to ask him my own. I want to wax philosophical with him. I want to spill about my impending dread of another year of petty high school drama. I want to see him again.

I have girlnextdooritis (a term coined by Taylor Swift). The guys always see me as "just friends," and perhaps it's my own darn fault.

"Lily, what's your dream man like?" A teammate asked me on a run at cross country camp.

"Well, he has to be funny--a classic one. He's gotta be motivated--I don't do lazy people...Smart--but not so much that I don't know what he's talking about. People always ask me about Asian, and that's preferable, but only because the clash of cultures is almost part of our identity, and you can't understand it unless you've been through it yourself...Faith is important--I don't want to be dragging him to church all the time or him holding me back. Oh, those runner couples are super cute too--running is good. Just slightly sassy. Attractiveness is nice, but a lot of the attractive ones don't have attractive personalities, so it's icing on the cake...someone I can talk to. And the biggest thing--we'd have to be best friends."

The three of us pondered the question of our ideal guy the entire run, coming up with the above. The best friends one was something we all emphasized.

I saw a line once that always stuck with me. It said: Love is friendship on fire.

I never understood when people began dating or acting like it in a short amount of time; it always seemed shallow to me. They don't even know each other, I would think disgustedly. That kind of attraction is infatuation. And perhaps that's my guy friend's idea of liking someone in that way. But I've always wanted something more.

I don't want a guy to mess around with. I want a guy to be close to. I want a guy to ramble with, to complain to, to make each other smile, to celebrate with, to study together, to wrap each other in a hug when we're feeling down, to run with, to ponder the mysteries of life, to always be there for each other.

Perhaps my idea of romance is slightly skewed. But I firmly believe that love is friendship on fire, and I will hold on to that for as long as I live.

I hope this drama will eventually blow over. I wish desperately for things to be normal again, but there's a long road ahead before that happens. I promise to keep you updated.

On a lighter note, this is the first batch of  my sort-of senior pictures; I really see it as an excuse to be in front of the camera more haha. I applied a vintage filter to almost all of the photos except the ones I considered senior-picture worthy. My favorites are to come in the next post!

On to the normal life, philosophical tidbit for the week. I've mentioned a couple times that I was at cross country camp, which is why I disappeared from the internet for a week. It was...interesting, to say the least. Camps tend to be the type of experience you can't really understand unless you were there. All the typical girl bonding and general craziness goes down. The first impression was definitely disappointing, and well, rather grody. We reached our cabin and the first thing I though was prisoner of war camp. It was dark, damp, and tiny inside with many rumors of mice infestations. The food was GFS food. We had to run twice a day. The showers felt like straitjackets. We were in the middle of nowhere (apparently it was so mentally damaging that I had dreams of throwing corn at people haha).

I began to realize how prissy I was. But the camp slowly grew on me.

"These cabins are not college dorms for a reason," the camp founder told us, "To be a cross country runner, you need to be tough, and that's why we have this sort of environment."

I took it to heart. If he was brainwashing us, he was doing a real good job. 

Then the dreaded long run day came.

"Lily, how much do you want to do?" My running buddy asked.
"Let's do 10. I've always wanted to be able to say I've run 10 miles without stopping."

So we embarked on the long journey of rhythmical footsteps and strained breathing. The scenery was gorgeous--idyllic fields illuminated by the misty early-morning sun, quaint farmhouses, almost-empty roads that seemed to stretch for forever. 

"Aww, man! I have to poop. I knew this would happen," I lamented to my friend. 
(Runners are very open with their bodily functions. I forget this sometimes and cause awkward situations--I once told my orchestra teacher that I really had to poop after I asked to go to the bathroom. Luckily, she just laughed and said "Too much information.")

So we planned to stop in "downtown" Orangeville, with its glorious one general store so I could take care of my business. But as we neared the turn, I hesitated.

"No, we can't do this. We have to keep going. I've got to be tough!"

It was an extremely uncomfortable mile before I finally suppressed my body's urges. But instead of doing 10 miles, we kept adding distance.

"Let's do an extra mile just to be safe," my running friend suggested.
"Yeah, I don't want to run this long to find out I didn't even do 10 miles," I agreed.

But the runner's high took over as we began to giggle and shout encouraging "good job guys!" to all runners returning to the campsite. We were slap-happy, drunk on, well, running.

"I'm feeling good. Let's do an extra half mile!"

But it wasn't enough to quench my hunger to keep going. I felt like I could go on forever. My legs wouldn't stop; I was a machine.

Back at the campsite, I dragged my friend along for another half mile around the workout loop. We were over 12 miles now. Then I looked at the time--just six minutes from running two hours straight.

"Girl, I've got to keep running. When's the next time I'll have time to run two hours without stopping?"

So we pushed on, jogging along the grassy trails until my watch finally read two hours.

I expected running 13 miles straight to be life-changing. I thought I would feel like a different person. But perhaps I just hold an overly-romanticized view of life. Perhaps nothing really is life-changing.

But I can always hope. And if anything, I feel more determined. If I can run a half-marathon without stopping, what can't I do? It's certainly empowering, especially because four-and-a-half years ago, I couldn't run so much as a lap on the track without becoming winded.

The summer is slowly fading, and things always seem to remain unchecked on my to-do list. I put too much on my plate sometimes. Is there something, perhaps, that you've always wanted to check off your list? Well I hope you complete the task--because I want you to experience the same empowerment. And who knows? Maybe you'll surprise yourself.

I want you to try to fly, because perhaps you'll discover that you can soar.

Join the conversation!

  1. It's these emotional rollercoaster that makes our life so "interesting and memorable" isn't it? You may feel like you have lost a friend but in fact, I feel like you have gained something. What did you gain? You may ask. Well, you have gained experience, wisdom and perhaps a good memory to recall back. I think it is highly likely that both of you are a bit confused and that is OK. Let time speaks for itself. Distract yourself with other "important" stuff. Later on when you look back, you will chuckle at all of this and "smh" for what am I thinking lol

  2. A burst of color and an explosion of cuteness for this outfit. That ring is very nice on you. The skirt, top, and shoes are all very comfy cute on you and stylish. Your philosophical insight is amazing and well-appreciated.

  3. "Love is friendshp on fire..." Ooooh, I love that quote! I always see quotes that lean toward that friendship ideal. Someone who you are comfortable with, who you can have that silence with and not have it be awkward, who you can share things with far back and not feel ashamed or shy about it... that is right. I don't think that your view of love is skewed at all, dear Lily! I'm really not quite sure what my view is. I've never been in love or even had my first kiss at that, so I don't really know what I should expect or even think so expect! I suppose we are similar in that aspect.

    13 miles, hot damn! That must be awesome, girl. I know what you mean by pushing and continously wanting to do more... never had a runner's high, but I definitely have had the biker's high before lol lol. I love how I know so much about you with your blog--your interests, I mean. You play violin, you write, you run, you are ridiculously intelligent... You are just such a well-rounded lady, Lily! I love that about you. You're so determined and always pushing for something better. Love love love. I wish I knew you in real life, AUGH, I feel like we could talk about so many things and philosophize and all sorts of fun stuff... sigh!

    Oh, your outfit!

    I love the polka dots. You always look precious in polka dots. And your tiny golden ring is simply magical!

  4. Wow, I am so jealous that you can run two hours without stopping- you are incredible! I love pilates and yoga, but I've never really had the stamina for running. But my boyfriend was the captain of our high school's cross country team and he's taught have a lot of respect for runners!
    About your boy trouble- I totally agree with your idea of the "perfect" man. My boyfriend Glynn and I were actually not very close friends before we began dating, but we skipped past the awkward stage at the beginning of dating (avoiding the first kiss, always anticipating one another's moves, etc) and jumped right into friendship. I can now confidently say that he is my best friend!

    Xo, Hannah

  5. This outfit is so perfect!!! I love how the polkas look with that lace skirt!

    Sophisticated Lace

  6. well, hello, Lily! I'm happy to hear your camping experience was great and you did some crazy things there.. and pushed your limits! btw, it was really interesting to read about those running experiences, especially when you're so passionate about it and make it sound so exciting!
    oh and when it comes to boys I think you should not think about it too much. because believe me, the right one comes when you're not expecting him to come. I started dating when I started university, before that school was way more important than guys, haha. so what I want to say is that take your time, Lily. be yourself because that's what will matter eventually. oh and maybe your friend should read this post to understand what you're saying? :)

    Maikeni blogi - part of me

  7. I hope that you two can still be in each other's lives, since it's obvious you both care for each other. Keep us updated! I'm so impressed that you ran 13 miles. I can barely run one :)

    The Tiny Heart

  8. love your top and skirt! looking gorgeous <3

    Letters To Juliet

  9. Aww, I'm sorry to hear about your man troubles, but I can relate. I'm kind of-sort of in the same boat. And if there's anything Iv'e learned from experience, it's to not waste time and hold on to something that is clearly fading away. I know you feel like you've lost someone, but that is the inherent part of life. You lose people, you meet new ones, and the cycle repeats it self. I guess, that's why family is so important because they'll stay in your lives forever. Hang in there and be strong.

    On the flip side, I love these photos. You look so beautiful and feminine. I'm obsessed with everything of the polka dot variety, so that top is SO charming!


  10. hey girl! I absolutely love this outfit! the bow ring is so pretty! ;)

    I'm following you now! :)
    I would love of you can check out my blog and follow me if you like it! :)

    xoxo, Diana

  11. I'm sorry to hear that things are still awkward between you two, hopefully it will work itself out eventually. But even if it doesn't, I'm glad to read that you're not letting it discourage you from taking chances in the future. Plus, that description of your "perfect man" I think was very realistic. I hope you just enjoy your last year of high school without worrying too much about the future - there will always be time for that haha
    Also, 13 MILES? What?! That is beyond impressive! I can hardly walk up and down the stairs at my school without feeling the burn! You're definitely motivating me to start exercising a little more haha
    Can't wait to read more updates!

  12. Ok first of all, we are literally the SAME person. Seriously, I have the same views on guys and my entire high school boy problems can be summed up as "girl next dooritis" They just see me as their friend they like to flirt with a little, but who's just too innocent to ever date. Their loss though! Someday we will find our funny, amazing men and being girls next door will all be worth it!

    We are just so idealistic! But hey, that's the way to live life. Being happy and full of hope!

    Also, congrats on 13 miles! Haha, the most I've ever done is umm...5? I'm trying to get better!

    And I love these photos, they look so cute! You look gorgeous and such an adorable outfit for your senior photos!


  13. Holy crap, 13 miles?? My legs are burning just thinking about that! Way to go girl, you are most definitely tough.
    You know, from reading your blog and the way your express yourself and your thoughts, I feel like I've met a kindred soul in you. Aha, sounds cheesy, but really. You're awesome okay? You're strong, you've got a level head on you, and you know what's important. Your dream guy definitely is worth waiting for. You deserve that and more!
    I'm sorry right now this is an awkward stage of your friendship with your guy, but know that at least you were brave to take that chance.
    Anyway, love is friendship on fire is a perfectly wonderful way of defining what love is. I've always wanted to be friends with the boys that I date first. It makes for a playful and genuine relationship :)

    The Dragonfruit Diaries

  14. Lovely outfit dear. You really know how to mix and match things! =) =)

  15. Awww Lily you look so pretty! I know how confused you must feel but I promise that with time it will all blow over. Every day it will get easier and then you'll no longer hope for the things you once did. Hang in there, girl!



    Southern (California) Belle

  16. I am so sorry to hear about you and him :(
    I have been close with a guy friend for about 6 months too and it's confusing cause we like each other's company but no one is saying anything but.. I like to let things flow.. and not forcing or rushing into anything. Like you said, I will very much like to get to know him more as a friend first :)
    so chin up my pretty Lilly! your Taylor Swift' Love Story is out there ;)

    The Sweetest Escape 

  17. Doesn't matter what he think, I think if you really like him, then go for it. Maybe one day he will realise he feel the same way too. Like what you said, you guys are confused. Until you two truly know how you feel, just do what your heart want you to do! :D

    Good luck with the running too and btw, I am loving the color combination of your outfit! Very sweet! :D

    Google + / Twitter / Bloglovin

    with love, Cassandra xx

  18. You are so wise for your age! I don't think your view of love is skewed. My husband is definitely my best friend. He and I can sit in silence for hours and know exactly what we were thinking the whole time. He also makes me laugh on a daily basis, something I wouldn't trade for anything.

    You're going to remember this experience for a long time, probably forever. Just keep it with you as you continue to grow and learn. I think you will find exactly what you're looking for someday. No worries!

    xo, Yi-chia
    Always Maylee

  19. It's a shame thing won't be the same but maybe in time you can heal the wounds in your friendship :) I think if you had let it go on and on it would have worked out worst anyway so you did the right thing! Adore the outfit, especially the skirt, I will never ever tire of lace!

  20. Ah, young love ... you are very wise in your philosophy on love and you're a tough cookie, Lily. I like your Minnie-esque outfit and the beautiful scenery. And dang girl, half marathon? You are BEAST.

  21. love your skirt!

  22. nice skirt!!! fantastic style!!!


  23. Lily I'm totally with you on the best friends thing! That's probably my favorite part of me and my husband's relationship :) Don't worry you'll find him! It will happen. And dang girl! 13 miles?! That is INSANE! You are so inspiring girl!!
    Oh, and darling as always :)


the 'gram

© imperfect idealist.